...please gear up with me, imagine the drum rolls and the biggest mountain you can imagine with me standing on the tippy top yelling because this IS real, IT'S true, IT'S official: I'M BACK AT WORK!!!!!!!" No, I've not overdosed on my medication and the stress of a chronic pain issue has not damaged me enough to be hallucinating.., I. AM (wiggling heaps but all the same). SITTING. IN. A (very nice ergonomic). CHAIR. TYPING. THIS. POST!!!!
...So with my returned senses came dreams, with senses and dreams came diagnosis, with diagnosis came, finally, appropriate treatment, and with the right treatment came great pain relief and some much deserved and needed increased capacity. I feel I've arrived on a very high mountain but had to crawl all the way up over 5 1/2 years. So, here we are on the mountain, I mean, in Italy, and boy did we pick the right place! Not only did we have a divine holiday but we stumbled on what feels like a miracle treatment for my form of PN and that was part of the Italian lifestyle: bidets and siestas...
Henri Matisse, in his own inspiring words. Creativity takes courage. Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us. Work cures everything.
So, you think you can see pain hey? Or rather your understanding is, if you don't see it then it's not there? Please read on because people like you drive me a little batty... "Pain is invisible!!!"... ...I know, I know, it's shocking and many won't believe it, ever, but it's true... Seen me smiling? It hurts. Seen me having coffee with a friend? It hurts. Seen me walking up the street? It hurts. Seen me having a glass of wine? It hurts. Seen my online social activity? It hurts doing that. Heard I went away for the weekend? It hurts... more. Did I email you? It hurt...
Absolutely nothing great about having to live by these rules but it certainly saves me alot of extra pain, I have more up time and, above all, I decided this is just temporary. I'll do what it takes to get by most comfortably (if I can dare to use such a word for a chronic pain site!): •I understand that everything I do counts, even a sneeze (ok they count alot!) so I make sure I pick and choose what I do •I learned and practice the word pace •I'm more selfish •I say "I can't" and recently I've even stopped apologising because "I can't"! •I let go of obligation (actually I need to work on that one) •Keep any visit short, close, soft (not too many parties unless you can walk away) •I email my WorkSafe case manager to eliminate hearing all unnecessary hogwash •I have a daybed and made a 'dayspace' no where near a television or my bedroom •I have a dog, he's one of my biggest aids
There isn't one single reason I can give for 'coping', I think a few things play a role. The biggest of all, I believe is my own brain's chemistry and built in ability, something I don't believe I have control over and was born with (and how greatful I am for this ultimate survival gift!), but coming in second, or even on par, is my husbandly support, Theo. I don't know what I would have done if Theo hadn't understood my pain and my eratic injury and hadn't supported me 200%. Seriously there were days I thought I was crazy...
How many definitions for pain signals are out there? It doesn't stop and I have to be really honest here, it all sounds like hogwash for a person who was unstoppable and prior to her injury had the stamina of a bull (as a friend once described me).
A few months into my implant and I felt like I was human again... my senses were back and it was incredible!! That thick pain fog was lifted and I could taste, smell, see, concentrate, focus, remember, listen, think, plan, dream, enjoy, laugh, read, oh what bliss!!!!
In my case, the procedure was much less complicated as I didn't need the leads to go through the spinal canal but rather along my sacrum and coccyx. There is a trial period in which the unit sits outside and is 'plugged in' via the leads that, yes, are sticking half out/half in your body. Look I know that might sound gruesome to some but please... we're talking about chronic pain here... it was NOTHING. A cinch... it worked, it's in now and giving me great pain relief.
